Sex, Lies and CEC Pies: The Archive

This is where all those tantalising pieces of gossip go to die, basically. You can find stories from all bar the last month or so here - for recent nonsense, return to the main page.

Trials, Trannies and Tampons (10/3/03)

Mike Harper recently tore himself away from dreich Auld Reekie (and Inverleith) for an extended stay in Australia. Here's his first bulletin from Oz for you:

"Thought I'd let you people in on the exciting times I've been having over the last five weeks or so, since arriving in the land of the long black frappacino and other such gay drinks!

"To start with, Sydney was disgustingly hot for the first three weeks I was here, but, now the weather has cooled down, I feel cold. It's a real bummer, but relative! Looks like I'll be playing with Manly, and have survived my first trials session with them this weekend. I told them I played prop, and evidently they thought I was joking, as I'm back at number 6, with the prospect of playing number 8 again. Some people obviously recognise talent when they see it!

"Being the man I am, I was late for the first trials match. If you boys think Koli was a big guy for the front row, he was marginally bigger than the centres that were playing! I started off playing the 4th team trial with some very solid citizens. I'd agreed to fill in for 20 minutes in the front row, and ended up having the whole game there - joy was unbounded. Every 20 minutes the oppo brought on a bigger and heavier set of players! Just when I thought it could get no worse, I was told I had to play the full 60 mins for the 3rd team in the back row! I'm told the coaches were talking about me, but probably in terms of what I'd be worth to the local Vietnamese restaurant!

"Other than rugby, I'm still looking for a job that will keep me out of the cinemas during the day. Reckon it'll take another month or so. Domestic life is fine, although I am being made to do errands of a disturbing nature - I've even had to buy Tampax for Helen's friends who were staying over here - I really have to get a job! Speaking of Tampons, Paton is due to arrive in Sydney at the end of the month (so he thinks), so will be able to take him to the delightful King's Cross for a bit of entertainment. I don't know if Dougie R is aware of this, but most of the girls round that area are actually transvestites - now might be a good time for that test, young Douglas!

"See the Combined Tournament is proving a good learning experience for life in the Second Division. When I come back, I'm expecting First Division rugby, and I'll be in the back row with those other old w*nkers, Penny and Benny!

"Well, it's nearly time for the daily trip to the cinema - it's too cloudy to go the beach! I did try to find you all pictures from the beach, but, let's face it, all that flesh does get boring after a while. Besides, they're all topless and flat chested!"

Mike

Fraser Nose Best (18/3/03)

As you'll know if you've checked out the 'Crocked XV' that Riggers provided when advising the squad to play Selkirk at the weekend, Fraser Pollock recently underwent surgery to reset his broken nose. I'm delighted to say we have photographic evidence of this:

Apologies if I've just put you off your bacon roll!

Rumours that Fraser's mangled fizzog has earned him an invitation to join the pack next season remain unconfirmed at this time.

Stuart Caught Short (20/5/03)

Riggers can be so cutting at times. After the following story appeared in the 'News' at the start of the month, he forwarded it on to all and sundry under the heading of 'It's not just his passes that fall short'. Now that, sir, is a low blow, albeit a damn funny one ....

"A style bar owned by design guru Terence Conran has been caught serving short measures during an undercover sting operation.

"The company behind the Zinc Bar and Grill at Leith's Ocean Terminal was fined £1000 at Edinburgh Sheriff Court after lawyers acting on the firm's behalf entered a guilty plea to breaching weights and measures laws.

"The court heard how Zinc's manager, Stuart Thom, had under-poured two measures of Macallan whisky for trading standards officers posing as ordinary customers in a test-purchase sting during last year's Edinburgh Festival.

"The court heard how Mr Thom had been asked by the undercover officers for the two whiskies which he had poured in front of them.

"But when the officials later tested the 35ml measures they discovered they had been under served by 3.8ml and 2.6ml - a loss of 10.9 per cent and 7.4 per cent respectively.

"Lawyers acting on behalf of Ocean Terminal Restaurants Ltd, which is part of the Conran Restaurants group, yesterday told the court there had been no deliberate attempt on the manager's part to serve short measures.

"They added that the fact Mr Thom had poured the drinks in front of the customers showed he had not intended to under-pour the whisky.

"They explained all new members of staff at Zinc were given training on how to pour spirit measures correctly, but because Mr Thom had 17 years of bar experience prior to starting work at Zinc, it had not been considered necessary to test him."

And the moral of the story is .... if yer going down to Zinc for a snifter, make sure you ask to be served by the other Stew/Mel player behind the bar - young Mr Edmonstone.

Lords Of The Dance (30/5/03)

It's great that Shiely has decided to bring a fresh perspective to the backs' training sessions for next season. But surely this is taking it too far?

Nosebag Tours 2003 (4/9/03)

Rather than send us the traditional postcard from his hols, Nosebag thoughtfully texted in the following update in the wee small hours of last Wednesday morning. The brave boy is currently larging it on Ibiza with Donzo Scott, although, by the sound of it, it's more a case of Deep Shit than Deep House:

"'Currently 4.20 am. Have had thunder and lightning for 10 hrs. Balcony and apartment flooded and having to swim to toilet. Not the best as we are on the 1st floor!"

Maybe Biggar ain't so bad (or damp), after all ....

Bill

No Danger (4/9/03)

On the subject of absent friends, we received the following email from the legend that is Malky Rennie back on 25/8:

"Good afternoon, chaps.

"Heading off on a bit of a wander this Wednesday, hopefully making it past South Africa to the Rugby World Cup and beyond, so just thought that I would pass on best wishes for the forthcoming season.

"If anyone is planning on being out there in Oz (in an unofficial capacity or not), then just let me know and we can meet up for a cider.

"Hopefully my place at the bar will be looked after by somebody, though I'm not so worried about who picks up my number 9 shirt in the 3s.

"See you all 2004.

"Cheers,

Danger"

Putting The 'Green' In Greenyards (23/9/03)

With the 1st XV becoming increasingly professional in their approach to the game - hell, some of them probably even count as athletes these days - it's nice to know that the 2nd XV are doing their best to uphold the booze-soaked traditions of the club.

Following their excellent win in Melrose on Saturday, the boys picked up a cairry oot for consumption on the way home (as you do - c'mon, it's at least 45 minutes in the bus to Edinburgh!) Club stalwart Jon Barr led the way, encouraging newer members of the squad to see away cans of the foul concoction that is McEwans Export (AKA Red Death). Most coped OK with this challenge, but there were a couple of notable exceptions: Jed Gordon, who managed to grab a bin bag before regurgitating his post-match pasta, and Andy Buchanan, who .... didn't.

Andy did, in fact, manage to splatter several innocent bystanders with his Technicolor yawn, prompting one onlooker to remark that 'it was the only time Andy had hit one of his team mates all day'. Worst still, it seems that the main recipient of Andy's chunder was Tyronne, who was subsequently forced to change back into his rugby jersey as his shirt had taken such a pounding. As possibly the only teetotaler at the club, his sides must have been splitting as he picked preowned pasta out of his ears.

Credit to Mr Spewcannon, though - when presented with a mop on his return to Invers, he did the decent thing and cleaned up the coach. Doc's remarks while being mopped down were, mercifully, not recorded.

Bill

The Website Is My World Service (8/10/03)

"You are a lifeline from afar.

"I was at Robben ('Robbers' to the apartheid era) Island today - well, in fact, I wasn't, but, from the safety of the Cigar Bar in Long Street, I am working my way through a guide of what to do in Cape Town and compiling postcards to my nearest and dearest of what they would like to see me doing.

"In any case, it says in the book that Mandela said that, when he was incarcerated there, the BBC World Service offered him a window to the real world. Oh, how different things might have been if the Stew Mel web site had been up and running then and Mandela had had access. The website is a real corker - keep up the great work.

"Nice to see that I get a photo mention. I am hunting for the National Emblems of the world - a kangaroo will be snared in Oz, a Kiwi in NZ and, well, maybe just a Chinaman in Hong Kong. Tell Dainsley to look out some space at Invers, as the Bok is already on the way to the taxidermist.

"Must fly - my bottle of Hunters Extreme (cider with added caffeine and Red Bull extract) is calling - also a strangely apt name!

"Send regards to all at Stew Mel - and get a call to arms out to those out there who are neglecting their Stew Mel duty to do battle for the 3s against such age-old adversaries as the Sony Bums. I would understand if the game was Highland away - but no excuses for a trip to the South Side.

"Cheers,

"MPR

"PS Who is looking after my seat?!"

Pussy Whipped! (22/10/03)

You really couldn't make up half of the stories that come out of Inverleith if you tried.

Those of you down at the club last weekend may have noticed that Yosser was sporting a rather fearsome scar down the right side of his nose. Not, as you might have thought, the inevitable consequence of trying to teach a Hibee to use metal cutlery - the wound was, in fact, picked up after John and Eileen decided they would get a kitten as a pet. When they went out to view some prospective pussies recently, John got closer to the wee beasties than their mother liked, and copped a faceful of claw for his troubles.

At least, that's his cover story, and he's sticking to it ....

Drug Rehabilitation Centre (30/10/03)

Riggers turned me onto an interesting documentary called 'Drug Wars' on Beeb 1 tonight. As the title suggests, it was a hard-hitting look at Police operations to counter drugs trafficking in Lothian.

You only have to look at the following still from the programme to get an idea of the raddled, desperate scumbags who featured in it:

Bill

The latest update from Malky Rennie, still wandering the Great Southern Land in the aftermath of RWC, came in the form of a postcard dated 'Sydney 24/11/03' and addressed to the 'Rodney Rogerers' at Inverleith. Yup, Danger had got wind of our fine Cup win over Accies on the 22nd.

Here's the card, a copy of William Hogarth's 'Gin Lane':

"It was certainly cheaper in those days to get across to Oz (free transport, board and clothes). Still, that didn't seem to stop our own inhabitants of 'Gin Lane' from making a modern days penal pilgrimage to Down Under.

"Managed to bump briefly into Andy Scott, but the elusive Mr Cartwright must have been drinking in much more exclusive drinking establishments than I.

"Great to see a solid thumping of the Accies, even better that they were led by the Canadian Ginger One. All the best for the remainder of the Cup run - hang on to the final and I will be there in person.

"Cheers,

MPR "

Congratulations are due to our old mate Alex Holmes, who did the decent thing and got engaged to his girlfriend Felicity between Christmas and New Year. I'm happy to say that Alex remained true to his Stew Mel roots by popping the question at a location from which the hallowed turf of Invers is clearly visible - Edinburgh Castle ramparts.

I understand from my anonymous source, speaking exclusively from his flat in Gorgie, that the wedding will take place in 2005 'because she's not up the stick yet'. Whatever that means ....

All the best to the happy couple for their future together.

It's always nice to unleash a new nickname for the amusement of the Club, so imagine my delight when our Raeburn Place correspondent mailed in the following snippet about 4th XV stalwart Simon Capaldi:

"My girlfriend and I were recently having a beer at Inverleith before going to a party at 80 Queen Street. Seeing poor old Simon looking all on his lonesome after a few Jack & Cokes, we decided to take him with us for some comedy value. This was duly provided when he was speaking to a couple of gay blokes at the party.

"As everyone knew each other (apart from Simon), he was explaining that he was a gate crasher. The gay Italian chap thought he had said 'gay crusher', much hilarity ensued and hence a minor nickname for Mr Capaldi was born."

Minor? Members of the Club - you decide ....

Bill

The well loved rugby travel firm, Nosebag Tours, has unfortunately been forced into administration following an incident this morning which has destroyed the flourishing company's reputation as a pioneer in Social / Rugby travel.

The company's Managing Director was collected at 0645 this morning by a client and taken to the airport in plenty of time for the 0820 flight to East Midlands Airport to attend a trade show. On arrival, Nosebag Tours' presence was intimated to the flight operator and the party attempted to check in.

The flight representative made a few enquiries as to the party's reservation, where it was brought to the attention of the Managing Director of Nosebag Tours that the flights had, indeed, been booked on the Internet, but for Wednesday 18th February and not Tuesday 17th February.

After a harsh exchange of words from within the group, the Managing Director proceeded to the ticket sales desk to see if any changes to the flight tickets could be made.

It was decided that, as the additional cost was going to be prohibitive, the party would travel on Wednesday 18th February as the show would still be on.

A very long and quiet taxi ride then took place, returning to Nosebag Tours Head Office.

On checking all details back at the office, it very quickly became apparent to the Managing Director that further mistakes had, in fact, been made.

Had the party decided to pay the additional money to fly on Tuesday 17th February, their trip would have been in vain as the show was only on on Wednesday 18th and Thursday 19th February.

Taking all things into account, the Managing Director of Nosebag Tours has decided to call it a day and follow Dominic Keene into the land of holiday operator administration.

Nosebag

Stu Do Review (17/8/04)

Given the shenanigans that ensued during the party to mark Stu Donald's final game for the club before he starts work in London, you'll be relieved to learn that this is apparently the only shot of Stu from the evening:

All pretty tame, really - Lindy gets naked (again) as Stu talks a rapt crowd through some of the moves he threw during the earlier 2nd XV friendly against Ayr. Riggers and Dalgy head for the Botanics to hide their yawns ....

Now, about those shenanigans:

"Good send off - Stu had to be 'rested' around 8 pm as it didn't look like he would last much longer. Unfortunately no camera! There were various games orchestrated by Munro, then a naked lap of Pitch One followed by a naked goal kicking contest (won by Adam Preedy - former winner of the Wright Rutherford goal kicking contest at school). We went up to Whighams for some more cider, the Candy Bar and then Fingers till 4ish. Not good!"

That exclusive report comes care of SLP correspondent G Prince of Ravelston.

To end on a serious note, Stu has been a stalwart of the club in recent years, and I'm sure that all at Inverleith would like to wish him all the best as he heads for the Big Smoke.

And Wood must snore! (27/8/04)

There was a collective sharp intake of breath at Inverleith when the news broke that Nosebag and Coylie were heading off together for a week of Summer sun in Magaluf - would Mallorca's party capital survive?

Well, the answer appears to be yes, although we understand that little Tony was in some state on his return to Blighty, visiting his doctor on Tuesday in a desperate quest for something to ease the discomfort of the 'food poisoning' he was allegedly suffering from. Surely you know what a hangover feels like by now, Nosebag?

The other members of the tour party - Coylie, Banksie and Shewan - were apparently only suffering from lack of sleep when they returned, having endured Tony's horrendous snoring while they were away. This got so bad on the Iberian Airlines flight home that passengers in the three rows in front of the Dalry Drone vacated their seats and stood in the aisle in an attempt to preserve their eardrums.

When not snoring for Scotland during the holiday, young Master Wood rang the changes with some mid-nap animal impressions and an alarming rubbing-the-temples-while-grunting combo, and, on one memorable occasion, sat bolt upright in bed and said 'Good afternoon, Anthony Wood, Scots Autoscene - can I help you?'

Not to be outdone, SLP understands that another member of the tour party claimed a new world record by converting his duvet to a water bed on three consecutive nights. Way to go, Monsieur Pis-en-lit!

We once again have Tony Wood to thank for the above photo, which he spotted in a press release this week. Tony is of the opinion that the man in the photo is the spitting image of Yosser, and, though it pains me to agree with Nosebag, he does have a point.

He also has a caption for the photo, which we'll go with unless anyone else can come up with a better one:

'Yosser gets to grips with overgrown bush'.

And, yes, I did chicken out of expanding the caption to say who that bush might possibly belong to - being a physio, Eileen can cause pain as well as cure it! And she's from Falkirk.

Bill

The following is taken from a classic email sent by (guess who?) Nosebag to Grant Walker and Malky MacColl on October 5th. I think it's fair to surmise that they had sunk a few shandies between them the preceding evening ....

"Grant / Malcolm

"Just a quick note to thank you both for the late call up from the subs bench on Saturday.

"I thought I was holding it together quite well when we left Invers, but, after 45 mins of cubes with the Drinking Bully (and the best part of £60), I was in all sorts of tatters.

"Do not remember going shopping on my way home for shampoo (Head & Shoulders Frequent Use), a tin of HP 'Beans with Sausages', three strawberry tarts and 4.5 litres of Irn-Bru (diet). There was also the obligatory Jazz mag and copy of Friday's 'Evening News'.

"I woke at 6 am on Sunday, naked on the bathroom floor, feeling truly hellish and wanting to die.

"Still a bit sleepy now, but I am not putting that down to the copious bottles of Magners, but the three half pints of Hoegaarden from the Drinking Bully.

"Once again - yeah, many thanks.

Nosebag"

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away (8/11/04)

Ladies and gentlemen, I give to you .... Obi-Wan Kenosebag!

Many thanks to the Dark Lord of Asteroid EH4 for making this Photoshop masterpiece available to the rest of the solar system ....

Bill

Grand Theft Auto: Sand Andreas (25/12/04)

Riggers passed on the following festive message from one of our Lions Legends last week:

"How's it going, folks? Just a quick message, firstly to congratulate each and every one who has been involved in the Smellies' recent success - been checking the website frequently, and things seem to be going really well.

"Wish I was there, but, unfortunately, I'm basking in the almost unbearable heat of Bondi Beach in Ozzyland. Not long finished a very interesting road trip of the States which almost resulted in a jail sentence due to accusations of grand theft auto! (A big mix up, and has nothing to do with me being a Weegie!) Plenty more stories to tell but doubt if they would be suitable for this website ...

"Hope everyone has a great Christmas and New Year, and I wish
you all the best for the second half of the season.

"Cheers.

Twicki"

Jaffa Goes Forth (12/1/05)

This just in from one of our reporters in the field:

Jaffa managed to run out of petrol on the Forth Bridge last weekend; he held up an enormous line of traffic, narrowly avoided a kicking and was luckily towed to the far end by a passing rescue truck (whose driver gave him a stern row!)

Embarrassed to phone the great Alfie (only a few minutes ahead of him on the road) for help, he phoned brother Greig - who refused to budge. Eventually, Alfie was contacted, and he had to traipse down the motorway with £3 (the only money he had on him) of petrol from the service station.

You would have expected the Bissett family to be better provisioned, given Alf's position as the JR of Stew Mel and Edinburgh’s own baron of black gold!

Club Dentist Required? (28/3/05)

As we look back on a successful season for the 1st XV, it's only fair to acknowledge the small things that may just have made the difference for our players.

Like baking - I gather that the post-match ritual now involves the consumption of some Ellis-approved home baking made by Malky MacColl's (much) better half, Emma.

And sweets. Lots of sweets, generally consumed by the boys in the technical area to steady their nerves during the game. I'll let our chief pandrop pusher, the aforementioned Ginger Prince, spill the (jelly) beans:

"I am very partial to a Murray Mint, while Benzo is a huge fan of Rhubarb and Custards and Gordon likes a Kola Kube.

"Black Al favours a chocolate lime, Dougie Rycroft is big into Haribo Star Mix and Lindy seems to like a wine gum. Mini Dalgy (Colin) likes Sport Mixture, while Stew Mel legend Jamie Frost likes a Pez.

"And, finally, the best: Macca likes these specially imported French Mints, Bêtises de Cambrai (pictured above)."

Further confectionery updates to follow as I get them!

Bill

Greetings all

After a mid week meeting, I have decided to try and pull together a tour XV consisting of Stew Mellies past and present that I meet on the Lions trip. This was sparked off in a mid week session when I combined perhaps one of the best potential centre pairings that never had the fortune of turning out together.

Aidy Huett and Ally Maclay combined would bring strength (well, at least provide a formidable barrier to any opposition) and a brilliant combination of brawn and brain and, as such, they are sneaking in as my 12 & 13. Interestingly, Aidy says he is keen to play for the Mossman Whales next year (those harsher than me may suggest as the mascot) while Mr Maclay is currently playing for the University of Sydney.

The other that has not just pencilled but heavily engraved his name into the line up is the omnipresent breakaway Adam Perkins. A thinking man's back rower, so much missed in this modern era of rugby, with a pedigree that tell its own story (though Perko has also been known to recount it over a Maharaja's balti rooflifter). He may even sneak in as my pack leader!

So here's the team so far - I'm looking for a Mike Harper at 8, so, if you are out there, Mike, get in touch.

Hope the player meeting goes well,

Cheers

Danger

Danger's Despatches, Part 2 (23/6/05)

"Thus ended the most disagreeable day my life had yet seen!" Joseph Banks, 1769

I must admit that my first days in New Zealand have not been as bad as those encountered by Cook's expedition, but did arrive to genuine disappointment that there is nobody from the Scottish game going to be involved in the first Test. Indeed, have got to the stage of thinking that Richie McCaw must have Scottish ancestry somewhere down the line?!

Still, hopefully the Stew Mel Lions will make their voices heard over the next few days. Looking forward to a catch up with the boys pre first Test.

Much of the press over here has largely written off the test side, so it will be a real make or break time in the Christchurch Test. Coming back from 1-0 down will be nigh on impossible, so here's hoping for a mighty first Test performance.

Have left Sydney behind, but not without getting another couple of names on the team sheet.

Firstly, Paddy Burns - those of the older generation will remember the legendary skills of this man, plying his trade in all teams throughout the club during his playing days. He is now working in Sydney and living in the Blue Mountains with his ever increasing family (10 or something like that at last count). He does, however, inform me that he will be over in the UK in July, and has promised a visit down to Invers.

I remember Paddy playing in many positions through his playing days, but I must slot him in as my 10 as I remember a day when he pulled off an Alan Knott type display to my Barnes Wallis passing in a very wet and muddy game for the Seconds against Hawick Trades. That is the last I remember of that day, though, as I unfortunately discovered Port on the way back home.

My second signing is a great, if slightly contrived one. Many will have seen but not met the mercurial Big Mike Symons, the Aussie barman in Whigham's. But for injury having stopped his playing career, I am sure he would have donned the red, black and gold in the Burgh. He did attend the Sportsman's Dinner, and still proudly told me that he brought back to Oz a Gilbert Stew/Mel rugby ball that was confiscated off the rowdy Whigham's revellers one evening post promotion celebration. He is in the boiler room, no doubt about it, at 4.

Hope all are well back home, and that Denise enjoyed her special birthday ...

Cheers

Danger

Danger's Despatches, Part 3 (1/7/05)

"E koro te tino tangata e ngaro i roto i te tokohaha"

'A noble man cannot be lost in a crowd' - Maori saying

If you reckon Woodward has selection dilemmas, then you should have been in my shoes pre first Test in Christchurch.

I had the great fortune of bumping into a true Lions legend, the mighty Stu Donald. As pugnacious a centre as you will ever see on the park ... but I already had my centre berths filled up. Therefore, in a Woodward-like move, I have decided to play him slightly out of position at 15, though his natural ball skills should ensure greater presence than Robinson showed.

Of course, if you meet Donald, then the obvious accompaniment must be a Lind. Indeed, the 'Camper van couple' were in mighty good form in the Holy Grail pre first Test. So there was no need to pencil him in - this is one for the Indian ink. The solidity and pedigree ensures Lind as my 8.

A much welcomed addition also enjoyed the festivities with us on the eve of the Christchurch debacle. Pete Mitchell is currently out here on an extended holiday and so he has played himself into contention. The back row is filling up quite quickly, and I asked him if I could possibly move him to another position, and, as a club man, he was more than willing to oblige. Therefore at hooker he rests, with genuine assurances that he can throw straighter than the Irish mullet man!

Not much to say on the first Test, other than that it was the coldest I have ever been in a rugby match in my life, only exacerbated by the worst Lions performance in living memory. Roll on some British Spirit in Test two, and the spirit of Wellington at Trafalgar.

Cheers

Danger

Danger's Despatches, Part 4 (4/7/05)

"We shall not fail or falter. We shall not weaken nor tire. Neither the sudden shock of battle nor the long-drawn trials of vigilance and exertion will wear us down. Give us the tools and we will finish the job."

Winston Spencer Churchill

Unfortunately, though, I think, for the Lions, the tool bag is empty.

While Wellington on Saturday offered another poor result, I do believe that we were beaten by what is looking like a very useful team, an outfit that can play good rugby from I to XV and then all the way through to XXII.

The smart money must be against the Lions, but still the red bedecked fans will forage north.

Wellington, however, is a great city, as it offered me my Whighams of the South, in a little wine bar called Beaujolais, ironically off Woodward Lane. I took the young pups, Donald and Lind, there on the Friday prior to the game for a quiet couple (the previous evening for them in Jet had seen them mixing with the likes of BOD himself and a rather late finish), and it turned into a most enjoyable evening, with Mr Lind popping behind the bar to introduce the Stew Mel Cocktail to these far shores.

Saturday saw some more lively venues, and also a great signing for my Second Row. Completely out of the blue, in Courtney Place in downtown Wellington, I bumped into the NZ lighthouse that is Lee Crafar. Even sporting a stookie on his left foot (an injury on the rugby field, he assures me), there is no doubt that Lee will sneak in at Second Row. A great signing, and tremendous to hear that he was aware of the Tour XV as he regularly checks the site.

So a big hello again to Lee - hope I wasn't gibbering too much on Saturday!

Auckland bound now, though there is a plethora of Stew Mellies to pick up there. I even hear that a Penny has arrived on these shores.

Keep up the pre-season, and rest assured, coaches: Lindy is currently looking like he may be lining up alongside the Koala if he keeps up this lifestyle.

Cheers

Danger

Popo Proposes! (5/7/05)

Congratulations are due to our incoming President, who got engaged to his long-suffering girlfriend Amanda on her birthday today. That's all the information I have on this happy event at present, although it has been suggested that the process for choosing a location for the stag night (week?) is likely to make the one for selecting the venue for the the 2012 Olympics look like the toss of a coin.

Love and best wishes to Gordon and Amanda from all at the Club.

Bill

Danger's Despatches, Part 5 (11/7/05)

"Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm."

Winston Spencer Churchill

Well, here it is: the end of another tour, and, to be honest, if looking for highlights, then, unfortunately, you must look further afield than the rugby pitch. As, however, the quotation suggests, the real success of the tour must be with the supporters, who followed the Lions through utter humiliation, undeterred and steadfast.

As predicted earlier, this was a 3-0 drubbing, with the real benchmark for the tour being the lackluster performance in Christchurch. If we supporters were being honest, there was little hope for the final Test, and, when XIV Kiwis can run in tries at will against the best of four nations (MPR aside: "Well, threeish - though let's not delude ourselves: the worrying thing for Scotland is that we are still very much second stringers, at best"), then we must hold our hands up and say that the better side won, and won convincingly.

Well, now to things closer to home: the selection of the Tour XV goes on!

Firstly, a slight rejigging of the team (note: jigging at 30m in Lake Taupo can get you a very nice rainbow trout). Marc Karapanovic reliably informed me that his new, favoured and best position is Stand off. This talented ballplayer has added some Polynesianesque tackling to his repertoire (though I'm reliably informed by his girlfriend that he has no body art to match), and, as such, he must slot in at 10. Mark is currently across here working and has been playing rugby and cricket, though the lure of Premier 1 rugby may well see a return to the British Isles for this precocious talent.

Sorry, Paddy: you must move to the wing - but, as a club man, that shouldn't be a problem.

I'm delighted to report that an area of concern at the start of the tour, my front row pillars, has been filled up by a notoriously bibulous duo.

First, on Friday night in Oh Calcutta in Parnell, I had the pleasure of encountering the perennial tourist, Bonker. Amid a mighty hot jalfrezi and a bottle of red plonk, he regaled me of stories from the tour with Boroughmuir. The Lions legend that is Packy had earlier confirmed that Bonker is, indeed, a great tourist, and, as a result, he must rightfully take his place as tighthead.

Secondly, and quite contrary to the nimble footwork that was on display in a Red Bull fuelled frenetic dance frenzy in Float Bar, Nick Penny will have to take the last remaining berth in the front row. His age has, unfortunately, been the deciding factor in moving him through the pack, but he also reminds me that this was the position he was covering when drafted into the All Blacks seven-a-side squad in the inaugural World Cup sevens at Murrayfield. I have no doubt that Nick's unbounded enthusiasm will not just see him relishing this new role in the front row union, but, more likely, he will, in fact, become the 'union steward'.

The next great signing was a youngster who is immoderately fond of strong liquor - the mighty Scotty Riddell. A true gentleman amid the quagmire that was post Test celebrations, this youngster put his body on the line to search out the older heads for a mighty reunion of a Stew Mel Seven at one stage (Lindy and Penny have photos to prove it!) This act of unselfishness was reciprocated by a visit to the very depths of Auckland that is the Globe Bar. The decision to award him the final place in the back row was sanctioned by none other than our back row stalwarts, Lind and Penny, and, to be honest, recommendations of that stature are hard to come by. So it's welcome aboard to the youngest member of the tour party - young blood is certainly required in this line up.

There has, unfortunately, been no sighting yet of Charlie drinking Rusty Nails, so we are, as yet, coachless, but I still have a few days left to look through the dregs of the tour in the hope of filling the final positions.

Hope all is going well in the pre-season,

See you soon

Danger

Danger's Despatches, Part 6 (30/7/05)

"I should like to spend the whole of my life in travelling abroad, if I could anywhere borrow another life to spend afterwards at home."

William Hazlitt

Well, I have finished my short tour to the Antipodes, and just had a few loose ends to conclude. The Tour XV had to be completed, and this was done in style in a stop off in London prior to my return to the Burgh.

For those out there who remember the greatest exponent of the 'slow down, speed up' to ever grace the hallowed turf of Inverleith, I managed to bump into the infamous Stuart 'C**t' Savidge in Sloane Square. As if my journey was not already saturated enough with Welshmen's views, I had to listen to a diatribe on how the Lions would have fared better with another gaggle of Welshmen involved. I had, by that stage, lost the will to live, and shut him up by telling him he could have the final berth on the wing.

Unfortunately, my return was delayed by a day at Lords, so I was unable to attend the Red Lichtie inspired pre-season training weekend, though, undoubtedly, the smokies for breakfast will have been better than the Piscean breakfast I had at the pre-season camp I attended at the Nether Abbey in North Berwick. I remember Al Christie coming down to round up the troops for the pre-breakfast run, only to find me, still suited and booted, drinking in the hotel bar and discussing with chef the merits of a poached or fried egg as an accompaniment to my kippers. A fairly inauspicious start to my first season of FP rugby.

So, with time running out and my commitment to training a matter of record, I will take the number 9 shirt in the Tour XV, to conclude what is a great side social side.

So thanks to all those of you out there who I met on the tour - it was a pleasure. Thanks to Bill for spreading the word, and it was great to hear that so many out there who are abroad keep up to date with goings on at HQ via the website.

Let's hope the coming season will see the success of Stew Mel being read all around the globe, and that future years will see an actual travelling Stew Mel Tour XV!

Cheers

Danger

Tumbling Tony (5/10/05)

Having elected to stay behind in Stirling after Saturday's 1st XV game to drown my sorrows, I innocently asked Riggers how the bus trip home went. Here's the story:

"Highlight of the bus trip was Nosebag walking up the bus with a crate of beer in his hands. Bus takes a corner just as Nosebag is passing the stairwell for the toilet, and down he goes - backwards. Nobody could offer any assistance as it was generally accepted as one of the funniest moments anybody had seen live.

"It took about five minutes for him to be extracted, and the good news was that only one bottle of beer suffered from the fall. Nosebag, apparently, is OK, too, if you are interested!"

Sounds as if Tony must have been wearing the rather fetching helmet that Fraser Pollock spotted him modelling on the SRU website a few days back (see above) ...

Old Fools On Tall Stools (19/12/05)

Those who hung around at Invers after Saturday's fine 1st XV victory over Biggar had another treat in store - the first public performance by Liberty X-Presidents, the red hot singing duo that has recently been formed by Stew Mel stalwarts Al Napier and Eric Cartwright.

The crotch-clutching Old Boy Band treated the packed bar to stunning renditions of all three of the songs on their forthcoming single, 'Forward The Colours', which is being released to raise funds for a heated shelter at Inverleith in anticipation of the forthcoming Scottish smoking ban. As well as the title track, the single features rousing versions of the road trip standards 'He's A Nail (Ar*ehole)' and 'Stew Mel, Stew Mel'.

Rumours that Liberty X-Presidents will be appearing at Edinburgh's Hogmanay 2005 celebrations cannot be confirmed at this time.

Melrose Mystery Man Mark (6/3/06)

Regular readers will remember how, in the third part of his epic report on the 3rd XV game in Melrose, Richie Munro came up with a quiz question based around the above photograph in the trophy cabinet at the Greenyards. Richie asked us to name the Stew Mel player in the photo, and to say whether he scored during the final of the Twickenham Sevens.

I posted the match report in the early hours of Monday 23rd January; when I got home from work that evening, the following two emails awaited me:

From: Robert Bowie

Please pass on to Richie Munro the answer to his question, 'who is in the photo?'

He is Mark Cubitt, and he did not score as he sat on his ar*e on the bench for the final, next to Andy Scott.

Regards,

Bob Bowie

From: Mark Cubitt

Please pass this to Richie ...

What do you mean, one player was unknown!

The names just roll off the tongue - Calder, Calder, Calder, Brewster, Brewster, Scott, Scott, Wylie, Morgan, Cubitt.

Quite scary when you see a picture from 23 years (and three stones) ago - and I can't even remember having hair, it's that long ago.

Answer to part 2: no, I did not score at Twickenham. I didn't even get off the bench - sat there in both 1982 and 1983 with Andy Scott.

Regards,

Unknown Player

PS If Bob Bowie claims the prize, then disqualify him, as he had to ask me the answer.

PPS If you want another quiz question: who is the only player to have played over 15 years for Stew Mel, and never passed the ball to a team mate?' Answer - Bob Bowie. I played for Stew Mel with Bob from 1979 until 1994, and can honestly say he never passed the ball even once - greedy bastard!

-------------

I'm afraid it's just a little late for Bob and Mark to claim the first prize of tickets to the 3rd XV clash with Watsonians on 21st January, but I'm sure Richie can sort them out with briefs for the remaining home game against Accies. Nice one, chaps!

For Pete's sake, Hamish! (30/5/06)

It may have come to your attention that celebrity junkie Pete Docherty was in Edinburgh last week to play a gig with his new band, Babyshambles. The above photo, taken from last Tuesday's 'News', shows Pete in all his plooky glory ... or does it?

Reports that Hamish has recently been photographed chopping out lines of Cheese & Onion on the bar at Invers remain unconfirmed at this time*.

Bill

*That's a joke, by the way, Ernie!

eBay meets iNvers (28/6/06)

For Sale: One golf club - unique opportunity to purchase a bit of true sporting memorabilia.

Swilken 1 Wood (genuine mahogany finish), as personally used and endorsed by Andrew Oldcorn.

Has a tendency to slice, but some neat planing and whittling could easily remove this problem.

Last used in a competitive tournament at the New Jersey Royal Open, hosted by the PGA approved course at Charlotte Square, Edinburgh.

On sale for £1,000 or nearest offer - interest has already been received from the R&A museum.

Closing date 8th August 2006. On display behind the bar at Invers.

For further information, contact Roy L. Burgess c/o the Club.

The Shoe Mel Challenge (15/11/06)

Photo 1	Photo 2
Photo 3	Photo 4

Been a while since we had one of our notoriously crap 'Win A Pint' competitions, so here's a wee teaser for you.

The above shots were taken in the bar at Invers after the Accies game on 7th October. The shoes were worn by yours truly, Brodie Smithers, Laing Robson and Stephen MacDonald.

Pint to the first person to mail me with the four correct Shoe / Shoe Mellie combinations. Laing, BRS and Mickey need not apply!

Bill

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